I have a tendency to worry too much. I had some problems with my job that made me sick to my stomach with worry. I had a meeting with the owners and now I doing good. I just have I really need to be on that wave length of carefree. I want to care about doing a good job and forget about the rest.I think as I get older it will get better having a hart attack at an early age is not an option. till next time.

learn it, live it, love it

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned- Buddha

I get it and I'm not going to spend to much time going over it because I have burned myself be upset over every thing. It's time to turn around and stop looking at the past and being angry over nothing. the people that did me wrong are not giving a second thought about me so why am I worried about them. Moving on is the process I'm working on it would be difficult because I won't let it.

Long time no blog. I have been through a lot in the last ten weeks, some good others bad, but I'm alive healthy and well and that is all that matters. I hop everyone is doing good also.I have been thinking a lot about my life (I know I'm pretty self involved) and I have spent a better part of my life making list, plotting, planning, analyzing, regrouping etc; but I have never made any actions. I feel like the answer is obvious I need to start doing. I want my dream job? I need to make the steps to get my dream job. I want to date I need to put my self out there instead of talking about it. From now on I live my life instead of planning and plotting it.

I need to start working out. I gained back everything that I lost and I need to get back on the wagon. I not being hard on myself any more because I know that will just make things worse. I wish I could find people to work out with. A support group for people who want to get in shape. Maybe I should start one? I'll give a shot.

I am a social drinker. Like most People I have a few drinks get a good buzz and stop.I have a friend who is not. Everyday she drinks, whether she is alone or in a social setting.Because of her drinking I stayed away from her, avoid her phone calls, hell I go to different grocery stores just to avoid her. Today I stupidly went to her house after "catching up" with her. She told me during the conversation on the phone that she slowed down on her drinking, because it got to much for her boyfriend when it came to babysitting her. so over at her house we start talking and she pours me a drink. It was way to strong for me so I spent most of my time with the one drink. While it took me three hours to finish the one drink she polished off 6 and was for more. Her boyfriend Stopped at two and his bother didn't even drink. I finally finished my drink during Dinner and everyone was talking about random things, having fun. Drink in one hand the bottle of Vodka in the other my friend stumbles out of the kitchen and is slurring about how we think that we are better than her, and she can hear us talk about her (which we weren't)she downs her drink in one gulp and takes the vodka to the head. I take her out to smoke and she starts talking about how her boyfriend wants to leave her and he "hits" her and other things. While I take Domestic violence seriously, she has a history of lying and when she drinks she want everyone to feel sorry for her. There are never any brusies when she goes to show what he supposidly did and she then she starts laughing. One time she told people I hit her. which of course was never true. I plan on calling her in the morning and telling her she needs help and good luck with her life, because I don't want those types of people in my life. I am more than willing to help a friend who wants help, but she and most of the people who I thought were friends don't want help. I don't know why people like that follow me. I don't act like that as a matter of fact I am completely opposite of them. so why do people with damage find me. I want to find people who know healthy ways of dealing with life to hang out with. God Please lead me to decent people!

I have done a lot of complaining and made a lot of excuses about my weight and other aspects of my life. I have made little to no action in changing. Yes I could come up with hundreds of excuses why I haven't change, but I'm tired of it. there is no point to making excuses unless you want people to pity you ( which is another form of attention grabbing). I don't want pity I really don't. I do however want attention I'll admit that. Who doesn't we all in some way shape or form want attention, it's just how we go about doing it. My Main goal this year is to be healthy in aspects of my life. So I know I have to put myself first (Oprah said so lol). It seems like a very easy concept but it's not other wise therapist would be out of business. I have to be the selfish person people trick me into believing I am. Because that person can say no and have no remorse. that person can accomplish her goals with out worrying about other peoples problems. I am slowly getting there and I when I do watch out there is no going back

So I've have the last week of from work and school and you would think I would have caught up on my homework. Not really. last Saturday I got a toothache which was infected, so I spent4 doped up on Advil, Ibuprofen and Percaset.I need to get a semesters worth of homework done in one week How do I do that? Why did I let myself get so behind. I think I sabotaging myself because this is not what I want to do.and it sucks that I'm allowing myself to be easily distracted.

10/19/08
Last night I realized all I really need in my life right now is my cousin Nate and my friend Melisa. Last night we went to a couple gay bars/clubs, it was sooo much fun! Being the only heterosexual I had more fun than the my mo’s because I didn’t have to worry about how I looked to anyone else in the club (I still dressed up I know better than to step into a gay bar looking a mess) I came just to drink and have a good time while the others were cruising for momentary partners. I have NEVER received so much attention from men. I am a fag hag I paid for only one drink at each place; men were paying for my drinks. They told me I looked beautiful and other various complements I was literally the center of attention, especially after I told them my life plan (say the words fashion stylist gay men hang on your every word) I collected numbers and got my first clients (non commission). But back to the point we all enjoy the same things, which is to try new things. And when I have a problem it not do everything to get Tati off the phone it ok lets figure out what we can do to fix the problem or they let me vent. I find myself having fewer issues in life when they are in my life because we look out for one another. For some reason I knew even though I wasn’t down and out I was not going to hear from any other of my so called “friends” because of the changes I been going through I stopped joining in on the misery, I no long gave repeated advice and I stopped dropping my agendas for theirs and some got really pissed. Others stopped calling so once again its me and the two that get it and I’m ok with that. All I ever really wanted is for be a friend even when I’m down and I got it.

I find myself losing my way I don’t know how I am letting this happen, my priorities are not in order anymore and I find myself blowing off important things. I feel it’s a mixture of things, mainly ever since my epiphany I’ve been realizing that paralegal is back up plan but not what I want. And the fact that lately I’ve been restless I’ve been letting people convince me to go out when I know I should be at home taking care of things. On my calendar at home I mark today as day one. I’m forgiving myself for losing my way and I am starting over. I need a way of stopping myself from cheating on my diet the pills that the doc gave me run out in seven days and I know he won’t give me more so I need to figure out a way to love exercising asap. Surprisingly my room only has not been a disaster zone lately (yeah me) and I been more relaxed aside from pms I have been feeling more creative and less frantic. It is a very big deal everyone seems to notice. Unfortunately I have to catch up on all my school work from when I was sick ( because I was smoking, and yes I have kicked myself for it.) so until I have all my work together this and MySpace is the only way people are going to know I’m alive. I need to get back on track so I can get myself where I need to be.

9/28/08
I finally bought a car and I got a part time job (oh happy day). I am so happy So long to having to wait on the bus at night and now I don’t have to ditch class because I missed the bus. As for the job I work as a file clerk for an attorney and I get paid every week so I can start buy the little things I need in life to operate (like Razors my legs are scary). I’m glad that things are starting to come together in my life It makes me feel healthy. I not stressing as much anymore, and I can focus on the things I need to. I just came up with something which I’m going to implement. Weekly goals every week I will come up with five thing I need to get accomplished for the week and these will tie in to my life goals (if you hadn’t noticed I live for list). I have to work on organizing my life and while my mind is constantly running a billion miles a minute, this will help me focus on the little things that shape my goals.
1. Do all homework for the week
2. Organized living area
3. Go for a walk on days off this week
4. Get old car ready for the donation people
5. get ready for the work week
I also have taken the time to reevaluate my friends (after a long unnecessary argument). I can honestly say I shed friends like strippers shed clothes. But there are a few that have stayed in my life for a really long time, and one that is exiting my life. I don’t have time for drama, high school jealousy, or lack of drive. Someone told me it’s best not to try to change people, and I get it , I just don’t believe there are people who don’t change themselves they have no goals in life and living vicariously through the life of their child is ok. I have began to recognize the people I want around me and they just have to want to better themselves. I also have gotten to the point where I don’t fight anymore if there is no point. Meaning I refuse to get in any type of argument that I see as petty. I also have no time for jealousy i.e.; I hang out with who I hang out with, I buy the things I buy because I can afford it and I refuse to feel guilty because I chose to wear a condom during sex there for kid free (hence my lifestyle). To those reading this with kids your single friends really don’t want to hear you making comments like: “because you don’t have kids” as an explanation for their spending. In most cases they made the choice to hold off on kids. I take care of myself and I don’t need any one thinking that I’m weak that I’m going to be used. I learn from my mistakes. Where the old me put people and their feelings before my own, I put me first and I do what I need to do to move forward in my life. I’m sorry if you get left behind. I change while you do nothing. You bring me down with your problems and the way you carry yourself. You have nothing to be proud of that is why you cause so many problems for others. The sad thing is by the time you realize what is happening no one will be around you.

I’ve thinking about my goals a lot lately. I also have had conversations with people about goals in general. Finally I had a conversation with my mother about my brother leaving and I said something that stuck with me. “I would rather try something I love and fail then not try at all.” The reason I been thinking of this quote is because it’s a lie. There are so many things I want to do and I have never taken the chance all because I’m afraid of the rejection. My love life is the same way (even though love may not be in the equation) I put others people lives ahead of mine and subconsciously I think I’ve done everything not to look appealing. Wow this is it. I’m so afraid of failure that I sabotaged my life. I have already failed by doing this. I’m going to reprioritize my life and goals and do what I need to do to get past this. I’m not going to sweat the small things because I’ve never had anything big to sweat and life from this point is going to be better because I stop lying to myself and I’m going to take chances to get what I want. This makes me feel anxious. I can’t describe the feeling I have but it’s a good one and I know I’ve never felt like this before. I will make it.

9/16/08
I haven’t wrote in a long time and basicly it because I was afraid of this I’m sick of being stupid I know I don’t put my heart out there but that doesn’t mean that if you are my friend you can go behind my back and start sleeping with the man I like. I know for a fact if I were to do this I would be the bad guy. Why the fuck am I being told well you didn’t act on it so it’s not a big deal? I can’t take this. This is why can’t trust anyone, and it makes me sad I think I’m going to just get rid of everyone In my life I sick of being used and mistreated.

I’m surprisingly relaxed calm and happy. I’m starting to realize that in order to reach my goals I have to be patient. I know other people have told me this Hell I told other people it, But like people say it is easier to give advise then take it. I have been listening to myself a lot lately and I have to stop being hard on myself as well as let go of the past. That is the whole point of me writing to everybody this is my little therapy. I have found constructive ways of organizing my life (the rules) and since I done it feel good. For the first time in my life I’m not tense, I don’t feel pressure to do things I don’t feel like I’m forgetting something. As for the last post I made. I’ve been the comments and hopefully they will stop once they realize I’m not responding. I am literally taking it one day at a time. Most importantly I’m learning to forgive myself for my past mistakes and I’m learning to let go of past hurts. I guess it’s true what they say “If you want to solve your problems tell them to a stranger.” I just want to say thank you for helping find myself because of all of you I feel like I can stop hiding and start living my life.

9/3/08
For as long as I can remember I’ve either been stressed of I’ve felt sorry for myself. For what, because I let other people control my emotions or I get down on myself for the way my life is. This is a daily thing. Its’ like I feel guilty for feeling happy and, I am currently living with the reason for my emotional issues My Mother. I know that a lot of people think that if guilt were a Olympic event their mother would win but you haven’t met mine. She makes it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want me home; my little brother on the other hand is the prodigal son. The Jackass moved out in March of this year and moved back in last month, I been out for 6 years. Right now we are currently at war over the cell phones (we all share a plan) both my brother and I went over our minuets he more than me and he hasn’t paid for that phone since January I pay every month and I’m getting cursed out for it and she hasn’t said shit to him about it. The woman comes up with so many ways to point out my mistakes that it’s a wonder that I came out somewhat decent. And I like I said before I am an emotional eater and I eat my most when I’m here. I need to get my shit to together and move out. At the same time I need to learn to get past my past and my mother forcing her special brand of guilt on me. I think I will start meditating or something to get the negative energy I have in my life.